Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
