i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
