Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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