The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
MIDGETS
????
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
