I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
