We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
