you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
