dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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