I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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