life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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