theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
