I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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