im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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