I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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