if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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