Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Mom said you looked used
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
