There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
