i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
