Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
