So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize