this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
