We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
