So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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