so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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