I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
