I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
