I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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