my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
