I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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