its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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