I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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