The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
