Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize