My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
