im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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