anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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