My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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