My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
