If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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