I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
