i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
