: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
