mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
