Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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