***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was like giving head to a cactus.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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