So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
