just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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