if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
