is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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