my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
