when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
