My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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