mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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