As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
