I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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