If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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