i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
