It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize