She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
